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June 12, 2017 / The Ghost

Titanic

It’s been 20 years since the great James Cameron released Titanic. A milestone movie which stood the tand of time. But there has never been made a prequel or sequel. So, mr. Cameron, please read my ideas carefully:

Titanic: The Revenge of Jack

Scientists dive up the body of Jack. As it is so well conservated by the cold water he is like a modern Ötzi. The scientists are able to bring Jack to live again. Unfortunately the scientists are European. Jack’s frozen body is brought back to London.
Upon his revival he wants to build the most unsinkable ship ever: Tititanic. With this mightiest boat ever build he wants to go visit his girlfriend Rose in the USA. Will Jack be able to cross the Atlantic Ocean this time, or will the icebergs get him once again?

The Curse of the black Titanic

When Jack’s body is finally diven up, doctors find out he never died. A deep sleep took him over. All those years he has been aged and he grew a beard. Now he looks like this and he wants to conquer the oceans as a pirate to conquest Rose’s heart. Who can stop crazy Jack?

Titanicator

We’ll introduce the Terminator, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who decides to dive to the ship and becomes one with it. The ship magically reassambles itself and gets above the sea level again. All ice bergs melt spontaniously. Titanicator picks up passengers from all over the world. Once they are trapped on board it kills them with an ice dispenser. After a couple of days on the Ocean Jack’s body finally unfreezes. Can he stop the evil Titanicator?

March 20, 2017 / The Ghost

The Drop

This review may contain spoilers: Not a single drop was given.

 

 

I looked forward to the Hollywood debut of Michael R. Roskam, nicknamed Michelleke. Ever since the Bullhead-nutscene I absolutely adore him. He’s the most brilliant director out there.

But where were the nuts in this movie? On the f*cking bar with salt on them!

 

Three years of my life I waited for this sequel to Bullhead. THREE YEARS. Why couldn’t Michelleke put some real nut-cracking in this movie? There were chances enough:

  • Show how Cousin Marv lost his balls
  • Chovka could castrate Bob for losing a lot of money
  • The dog could have had a “nut-injury” in stead of a head injury
  • Bob could castrate Eric Deeds and not kill him (but I can understand that Matthias Schoenaerts had had enough nut-cracking)
  • Nadia could bite into Bob’s balls whilst arguing

 

However… The movie could have been much shorter. The drop was made after only 20 minutes, when the dog dropped his shit on Bob’s carpet. That’s the moment I realized Michelleke did it again. He blows my mind with his fantastic “read between the lines” stories. Brilliant.

 

The Drop on IMDB. 10/10. It was a very nice shit. I mean drop.

December 27, 2016 / The Ghost

De Premier

Translated: “The first”.

A movie never came so close to reality.

 

 

  • The Belgian prime minister has to kill the president of the United States of America. He fails.
  • The Belgian prime minister has to be faithfull to his wife. He fails.
  • The Belgian prime minister has to be chairman of the European Council. He fails.
  • The Belgian prime minister has to shut up or bad things will happen. He fails.
  • The Belgian prime minister should use a condom so he doesn’t get other women pregnant. He fails.
  • The Belgian prime minister has to stay silent about what happened. He fails.

 

Koen De Buuw puts up an excellent Belgian prime minister. Failing in everything he does. Just like in reality. It makes us forget the ridiculous plot where he has to kill the president.

 

De Premier on IMDB. 10/10. Because I like Belgian fries, waffles and chocolate.

December 27, 2016 / The Ghost

The BFG

Steven named this movie after himself: The Big Fat Giant.

 

 

There’ s obviously not much to say about this movie. Some of the dullest people in Hollywood were working on this film. A list:

  • Steven Spielberg aka T-Rex
    Ruins every script he can put his hands on. Schindler’s list, Saving Private Ryan, E.T., Indiana Jones, Jurassic Parc. You name it. It sucked.
  • Roald Dahl aka The dead English dude
    Has only got two brain cells. But none of them are active. Steven bought his story so Roald wouldn’t have to whitness what he did with it.
  • Mark Rylance aka Rudolf
    Steven doesn’t even cast people for his movies anymore. He just reuses the ones from his previous movies.
  • Ruby Barnhill aka The Kid
    Calls herself an actor, but never starred in a movie before. Steven can’t even find professional actors anymore who want to work with him. What a loser.
  • Melissa Mathinson aka The Unknown
    I don’t know the woman, but since she works together with the four people I just enlisted…. She obviously must suck.

 

Let’s conclude with a joke: What’s the difference between a bicycle and Steven Spielberg? You have to kick harder on Steven 🙂

 

The BFG on IMDB. -56/10. Minus one point for every movie Stevieboy ever made.

September 1, 2016 / The Ghost

Over 150 reviews: tops and flops

I’ ve written over 150 reviews on my blog now. It’s time for a brief moment to look back.

 

These are my top-10 movies of all time:

  1. Avatar
  2. Avatar 2
  3. Twilight Eclipse
  4. Avatar 3
  5. Piranha 3DD
  6. Alvin and the Chipmunks
  7. Pledge this!
  8. Farting in Church
  9. Sex Drive
  10. Rise Planet of the Apes

 

And the 10 worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life. Going from bad to worse:

  1. The King’ s Speech
  2. The Pianist
  3. The Master
  4. The Revenant
  5. Inglourious Basterds
  6. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
  7. The Godfather
  8. Unknown
  9. Boyhood
  10. Schindler’ s List

 

All my reviews in order of quotation can be found on this page.

 

Make sure to let me know which movies you think I should review next! Not that I need your opinion. I know which movies are ready to review and which not. But I just wanted to be friendly. So don’t hesitate to leave a comment I probably won’t read!

September 1, 2016 / The Ghost

Delivery Man

Already looking forward to the sequel and especially to the prequel!

 

 

David finds out he’s the father of 533 children through anonymous donations 20 years ago. He must decide what to do when 142 children file a lawsuit against him to reveal his identity. I won’t tell you what happens, as this movie is just too brilliant to reveal the plot. He makes up with all of his children and gets another one with his girlfriend Emma because he wants to get a lot of baby shower presents. Oops. Spoiler alert.

 

I would love to see a prequel AND a sequel. In the prequel they could show us how David went to the clinic to donate his sperm. Marvelous film that would be. Also, please show ho he and Emma make their last baby.
The sequel could tell us the story of all the children making babies of their own. This would give us at least 533 good moments of filmography.

 

Vince Vaughn‘s acting is superb in this movie! Actually in all of his movies. He is such an underestimated actor in Hollywood. Give him an Oscar for this achievement. Or you know, don’t, see if I care.

 

Delivery Man on IMDB: 533/10.

 

PS: I’m a bit confused about Emma. Dit Robin change her name so she could get away from Barney and Ted? This is no critique. I completely understand.
Also, Robin didn’t want any children. It would make sense that if she got pregnant, it was by surprise rather than choice.

August 30, 2016 / The Ghost

Dunkirk

Laugh. We’ re going to the beach!

 

 

There’s a new “movie” from director Christopher Nolan upon us. Dunkirk will tell us the story of a group of friends visiting the beach of Dunkirk.

The guy laughing in the Dunkirk trailer was the start of a heated discussion. The moment bombers fly over the landing vessel everyone looks terrified, except for one guy in the lower right corner who starts laughing a bit.
I completely understand why there’s such controversy about this actor. Just watch this Apple-commercial and you’ll understand. That actor is the only one who truly understands what’s going on. They are making a trip to the beach and get to see planes from upon close. The other ones had probably never seen a plane before and got terrified as they thought they were giant flying dinosaurs.

I’m so much looking forward to this comedy drama!

 

Dunkirk on IMDB: 1/10*. Only one laugh.

* This score is a prediction based on the trailer and will almost certainly be the correct score for this movie because I’m the best reviewer around and Christopher always disappoints.