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August 8, 2014 / The Ghost

Noah

I’ve done it. I have finally unravelled the secret of the Bible and of God. And I owe it all to Noah.

But the movie is still shit.

 

 

The movie is based on the true events in the life of Noah, who needs to build a boat to save all the animals. At first, I thought: “Oh nice, a love boat.” But the boat turns out to be ugly. It’s made of wood and they didn’t even try to paint it. Please remake this movie, Jamesie. And make the boat pink.

So Maximus meets Hermione early on in the film, when she is alone. I guess she got dumped by Ron in the end and he took custody over the children. Then they build the boat, and all the other Muggles also want to enter the boat, but they forgot their magic wands, so they use swords and axes and try to fight everyone to get on. Hermione could’ve used the Locking Spell to lock the doors of the boat. And it would’ve worked, since the other people forgot their wands, so no one could use the Alohomora Spell to unlock it. I’m so much smarter than all of those characters combined. Tsk. I guess she lost her wand as well. Tip no. 1, Hermione: never let your wand go. I’ve always got a firm grip on my “wand”.

But the crazy thing here is that everyone does everything that the Bible forbids. There is sex, there is death, there is violence, there is betrayal … It all happens. So the Bible is one big book about reverse psychology. This would imply that the ten real commandments are as follows:

 

  1. Thou shalt worship everyone and anyone and I shan’t give a fuck.
  2. Thou shalt abuse My name, especially in bed.
  3. Thou shalt remember every day, except the sabbath day, because I invented it on the toilet.
  4. Thou shalt not honor thy father and mother, unless they giveth thou lots of money.
  5. Thou shalt kill, to stop the planet from overpopulating.
  6. Thou shalt commit adultery and fornicate. But not too much, or thou must repeat commandment no. 5.
  7. Thou shalt steal, like Steven steals from Jamesie.
  8. Thou shalt lie, because lying makes life much easier.
  9. Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s wife, especially if she has a D-cup.
  10. Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s house, especially if it contains commandment no. 9.

 

See? Christianity isn’t so bad.

 

The Bible on IMDB: 10/10. One point for every “true” commandment.

Wait, what were we talking about?

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