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February 2, 2015 / The Ghost

The Loft

Let’s get something straight here: The Loft is brilliant. The Loft kicks ass, and all these so-called, wannabe reviewers who eat shit for breakfast on Rotten Tomatoes all have a severe Case of Alzheimer’s and should be put down immediately.

 

 

It’s about a movie. And sex. And guys who want to have sex. But they want more sex. So they rent a loft for more sex. It’s the best movie ever. And now it’s available in English because it’s a remake, made by my excellent friend Erik Van Looy, who is the second best director in the world. Am I right, Jamesie?

There’s only one problem: Matthias Schoenaerts, also known as Matt Shoe-Arse internationally, gives a terrible performance. You know him, he’s the guy from that Oscar-nominated movie. What was it called again … Cowbrain? Cattleface? Beefskull? I forgot, because it sucked balls. Anyway, he’s the reason why we only know Belgium for its fries and chocolates and beer and not for its actors.

Give it up, Hillbilly Matty. Go back to your farm and get your nuts crushed some more. Oh no wait, you can’t. Hahahaha.

 

The Loft on IMDB. 9/10. Minus 1 For Shoe-Arse.

P.S.: Make a re-remake without that stupid Belgian actor. No, it’s not even worth typing his name anymore.

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